Choice Paralysis & Modern Dating
Introduction
I want to keep this week’s introduction brief as this post is longer than normal. This week I started my new job and left behind a job I had for over ten years. It was a hard decision, but it was one I needed to make to allow me to continue to grow personally and professionally. So for those willing, if you would pray for continued wisdom in this new role of mine, I would appreciate it!
As ever, I had a fair amount of time to think as I was driving, and so this week, I found a new way to take notes while driving as I listened to podcasts! Using the new and improved Siri voice-to-text has been a game-changer for me! Allowing me to take lengthy thoughts and put them in note form as I listened to these podcasts helped me to better retain all the information I was learning while staying safe behind the wheel!
What Did I Learn?
The Paradox of Choice by Barry Schwartz
“Most people would rather be a big fish in a little pond, than a little fish in a big pond.”
I found this to be a very interesting observation. It seems that, in general, most of us would rather have fewer opportunities if that means we will be seen as having a higher status within our community, rather than me low status with many opportunities.
I believe it is part of the fallen condition of mankind to compare. This comparison culture is fueled largely by our social media saturated landscape that we all seem to be living in the same pond meaning that we are constantly comparing ourselves and our successes and our failures to that of those that are most successful in life. Social media is a public highlight reel that shows off all the “highs” of life while avoiding the “lows.”
The more we have, the more we want. No matter how much we get, we always want more. This seems to be the eternal quest of humanity. We have an insatiable hunger for more, limitless hunger for more our finite being contains an infinite, eternal hunger.
From the Christian perspective, this makes perfect sense. We are a creature that was made for eternity. God made humanity to be eternal, to have a hunger that can only be satisfied by that which is eternal. The reason nothing on this earth can truly satisfy is it is a finite thing trying to fill an infinite hole.
The saying that we have a “God-shaped hole” in our hearts is absolutely true. Only this God-shaped hole we have is one that is bottomless. Its depth is infinite, and so can only be filled by that which is infinite!
This book was one that I really enjoyed as it really gave me some new perspectives on how our continued expansion of options in all avenues of life is not creating a happier life but one that is being paralyzed by choices.
Here are a few final key points I took from this book.
The more options we have, the fewer choices we make.
The more options we have, the less satisfaction we have with the choices we do make.
To find happiness in our lives of near-infinite choice, we must willfully choose to limit our options.
Perceived helplessness
I don’t remember where I learned the information below, but I found it very interesting, so I decided to include it despite not having the link to its source! My bad!
Perceived helplessness can result in higher levels of depression because the person who believes that they are helpless will often not even attempt to improve their situation because they believe that their situation is, in fact, helpless.
Studies have shown that if you put an animal (mouse) in a cage and provide no means of escaping and then shock the animal the first few times, it will try to escape, but eventually, it will give up. Then, when you completely remove the cage and provide a clear means of escape, the animal will no longer attempt to escape during the shock but will simply suffer through it, as the animal has been trained to believe that it can not escape from its situation.
In today’s victim culture, many people are taught that they are, in fact, helpless, that they are eternal victims of their circumstances, and so we teach them to simply accept where they are, and so many never escape their circumstances because they have been trained to simply endure rather than attempt to overcome.
It is easier to be a victim of circumstances than to admit or choose to take responsibility for our circumstances. There are certain things in our lives that are truly beyond our control, but we ultimately choose whether we will allow those circumstances to be masters. It is only by admitting and taking ownership and responsibility for those circumstances that you regain any power over any situation.
Additional studies show that in nursing homes, if you do everything for the patients, and take away all responsibility for their personal life circumstances that those people will, in general, not live as long as those who are given autonomy and responsibility for their lives and circumstances.
Studies showed that if you gave those patients a task as simple as taking care of the well-being of a plant, it proved beneficial to those patients as you were giving them responsibility and autonomy over something.
For me personally, this is an incredibly powerful insight. As everyone today seems to be obsessed with being a victim of some sort, rather than choosing to become a master of their circumstances, they stay where they are even though the cage has been removed, or maybe it was never there in the first place.
What we choose to believe is a powerful thing!
What does the world of psychology get wrong about men?
The core of this podcast really focuses on the fact that men's and women's psychology is fundamentally different. Something that is currently a highly contested subject as the mainstream media insists we are the same.
Here are some key thoughts from this podcast.
Men generally do better at processing emotional hardship and struggles when they are actively participating in some form of activity, even if it’s as simple as fixing a lawnmower, or maybe just repairing some patio furniture.
Where women generally are better able to process emotional hardship via conversation and talking
“Men process while doing, and women process by talking generally”
This podcast also discusses a few of the mainstream talking points, such as the patriarchy is evil and its only goal is the oppression of women.
A point that I believe is fundamentally wrong. I think that the patriarchy has historically done more to help women than press them. This a point that I may dedicate a separate post to at some point.
How Colleges Indoctrinating Today’s Youth
Book: don’t Go to College (I haven’t read it yet)
This podcast did a great job of talking about how most colleges are waste of time and money, as today, it is a place for indoctrinating children with very specific ideologies. Within this podcast, they also talk about how colleges are specifically targeting women, a point that very much agree with.
Within the discussion, an argument is made as to the effect that college has disrupted the family and has to a large degree, contributed to the delaying of starting families. This is a point I fully agree with. The popular narrative we hear today is that many do not want to start a family until they have had time to really invest in their careers.
Very few ever take the time to mention the fact that if you choose to invest into your career until you are in your 30s, the odds of you ever having a family are significantly decreased.
Another really interesting point made in this podcast is the idea that colleges are training, women and weaponizing them. They are training them to believe that men are their adversaries and that men are the reason for all their suffering.
In summary, I really really enjoyed this podcast and enjoyed hearing the conversation being led from a Christian perspective. I think many today are uncomfortable talking about a future for young people that doesn’t involve college, but we continue to see colleges become an institution for indoctrination. I would very much encourage everyone to listen to this episode and come to their own conclusions on the subject.
Theology of the Body
I really enjoyed parts of this conversation, and there was a LOT that I thought was pretty wild and outlandish. A few points that I thought were very valuable and worth pondering.
Each human being is a unique creature. There is no copy, and we are each uniquely created in the image of God. We are each uniquely a part of God, as His children. Just as a human child is part of their mother and father, so too are we, as the human race, a part of God. We are only creature made in the image of God. A part of God, never to be repeated.
This is such a profound idea; every person you meet is made in the image of God. We are each an indispensable, unrepeatable, irreplaceable part of an infinite God. For me, this just speaks to the beautiful idea presented to us in Psalms 139: 13, 14
“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made”
Our all-powerful God takes the time to create each and every one of us uniquely in His image. Each and every one of us is an unrepeatable part of God’s image. This is, in my mind, such an incredible idea to meditate on and ponder. As C.S Lewis said
“There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations - these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub and exploit - immortal horrors or everlasting splendors. This does not mean that we are to be perpetually solemn. We must play. But our merriment must be of that kind (and it is, in fact, the merriest kind) which exists between people who have, from the outset, taken each other seriously - no flippancy, no superiority, no presumption.”
This is an idea I would do well to remember each day. Remembering to treat each person with the dignity and respect of a child of God. No matter their beliefs or their opinions and how they may differ from my own.
Shocking New Research on Why Men and Women are no longer Compatible
With a podcast title like this, how could I not listen to it! As someone who has been a long-time listener to the Modern Wisdom podcast, I very much enjoyed listening to this podcast episode and listening to Chris digest much of what he has been learning on his own journey as a podcaster.
The Problems of modern dating and Relationships
According to Pew Research 50% of men are not seeking any type of interaction or relationship with women.
Currently, in the UK, 50.1% of women at the age of 30 are both single and childless.
“The tall girl problem,” an idea that Chris presents, is that as women continue to excel professionally, they continue to seek higher “status” men who are either of equal or greater success than they. The issue is that our current climate is not fostering an environment that allows men to succeed to the same degree as it does women.
On average, men in the US spent 2000 hours playing video games while stoned or on prescription drugs.
I find this to be such a fascinating conversation as we continue to see a decline in marriage, an increase in divorce rates, and an incredible delay in the formation of families among many young adults. I do not agree with all of Chris’s ideas, as many are derived from evolutionary psychology, but there is no denying the facts.
An interesting video I ran across on Youtube from Steven Crowder makes some excellent points I think are worth pondering. This is a growing conversation and one that has many longer-term ramifications for our world.
“Romantic comedies are pornography for women”
-Steven Crowder
There is such a perversion of our modern relationship. Men are trained to have unrealistic expectations of women from pornography. This is a very common conversation piece and one that I fully agree with. We do need to make sure that we know how we are training our minds. Men are a creature that is very much stimulated by the things that we see, and so, as men, we need to guard our eyes and do our best to control what we see, as again, this is the primary way by which a man is stimulated. This is by no means the only way, but it is the primary way, and this is by design.
This is a very challenging thing to guard against, as we live in a culture that is so very sexualized. I can, as a man, do my very best to guard my eyes, and yet no matter where I go, I can see more bared and near-naked women in a day than my grandfather would have seen in his entire life! Billboards, Instagram, and media everywhere show off near-naked women.
This is a problem that exists both inside and outside the church today. So many women dress in provocative ways, and very few consider the effect their clothing or lack thereof may have on men. While others know exactly the effect, and so they dress the way they do for the attention it will elicit.
I want to consider the flip side of this conversation. Where men are stimulated by what they see, women, in general, are stimulated by what they hear. This, too, is by design, and this is why I agree with Steven Crowder’s point that romantic comedies are porn for women because it creates unrealistic expectations of men.
The best way I can articulate this idea is this. Just as men should not say whatever will get them sexual attention. Neither should women dress in ways that will get them sexual attention.
“I am responsible for the words I say, ensuring that I do not lead someone on, and emotionally mislead them. I am responsible for doing my part to help someone guard their heart, and so I should choose my words and actions with care to that end.”
This is an idea I have a hard time trying to unpack and one I am actively trying to learn how to present better. And so, for those who you who read this, you have front-row seats to this, where I may succeed, but also where I will inevitably fail. So I ask for grace as I attempt to present these ideas.
What did I do?
Started a new job!
Spent most of the week traveling
Continuing to try and learn how to ask better questions
Learning to listen more than I speak
Thank you all for joining me for another weekly recap. I hope I have shared something new and or challenging to ponder.
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