Conquering Insecurities & Facing The Man In The Mirror

Well, we made it, ladies and gentlemen; I have successfully achieved my goal of writing one post for each week of being 30. When I initially made this resolution, I wanted to find a productive thing I could do each week apart from work. I also wanted to put into my own words the ideas I was learning through the audiobooks and podcasts I was listening to. How I have communicated these ideas has changed weekly, and I have abandoned any formula or strict structure to how each weekly post looks; instead, I will usually write the ideas and thoughts at the forefront of my mind. When I first sat down to begin this series of writings, I found myself with a strong sense of regret for how I had wasted my twenties. I entered my thirties with no formal education beyond a GED that I earned a couple of months before turning thirty. This lack of formal education has often been a place of insecurity for me, as I often felt stupid among my peers. But this insecurity was rarely based on their formal education; it was more that I was insecure about my inability to engage in the conversations socially, as they would have as they would often be discussing their college or high school stories. My insecurity came from listening to them tell stories of their high school prom or the stories about some professor they had. This translated into a sense of insufficiency and a sense of not being “fit” to participate in the conversations they were having. This also resulted in me constantly trying to latch onto any detail of relatability in a conversation so that I could also engage in the conversation. I also grew up in a rather unordinary environment of Amish and Mennonite, reinforcing a sense of being unequipped to engage socially.

Today, I am grateful for this experience as it has given me an insatiable appetite to learn. It has driven me to become “more” and grow continually. I recently finished a book by Patrick Bet-David called “Choose Your Enemies Wisely,” this book spoke to my spirit as Patrick shared stories of his own life and his insecurities and how they became the catalysts that drove him to become more. In this book, he details stories of rejection and moments of insufficiency that drove him to say “never again,” it lit a fire in his spirit to change. Reflecting on this, I realized I could relate in my ways. I was rejected by a woman who was to become my wife, though she never told me exactly why; a few reasons she did tell me was I was boring, I had also often been playfully mocked by my uncles for being a skinny twig man, and they would often make jokes say I must have to run around in the shower to get wet or they should say that if I turned sideways, I surely turn invisible. Years later I would again find myself rejected as I wasn’t good enough because I didn’t have a masters degree.

I am grateful for these moments as they forced me to look into the mirror, and I had to face myself and my insecurities. When I asked why these statements bothered me so much, it was very much because I felt them more deeply than anyone could put into words. But it was those moments that made me choose to become a victim either and cry about how it wasn’t my fault, or I could take those insecurities, and they could become my enemy, they could become my fuel to change. Many may not like this idea but I think we all need to be bullied from time to time, I think rejection is often a healthy part of our lives. Today's culture constantly tells everyone, “You’re perfect just the way you are,” or “You shouldn’t have to change for anyone.” These ideas are what creates a culture of weakness, and these ideas are what create pathetic men who are incapable of protecting and providing. These ideas are what create a generation of women who believe they should be accepted exactly the way they are, personally I think this is a satanic message.

No one is perfect, and no one is a static creature, and if we are not constantly willing to face our demons and face the monster in the mirror wrestle it into submission then we truly dying, only it is a prolonged death that can take decades. When my uncles made fun of me for being skinny, they were exactly right: I was skinny, and I needed to face my insecurity and go to the gym. I needed to challenge my body, grow, improve, and care for the “temple” God had given me. When my once-fiance broke up with me, she made the right decision. I was boring; all I did after work most days was play video games, and my excuse was that I was tired and just wanted to relax. But the truth was I was being lazy, and I didn’t want to step out of my comfort zone, and I didn’t want to have to face my demons and my insecurities. I even knew in my heart that I needed to break up with her because I knew what she wanted from life and what I wanted didn’t align anymore, but I was a coward, and I didn’t want to admit it. When I was rejected for not having a degree, there was again a personal demon in my closet that I had ignored, and there was an insecurity that I had made excuses to avoid facing. Yet when I finally did, I found so much peace and confidence when I finally said that I refused to remain uneducated, when I finally decided not just to have opinions but to have informed and educated opinions, it was then that I found a personal peace and confidence in myself. My education will likely never look the same as that of many others, but I am okay with that.

I still today have no formal degree. I have no formal piece of paper that says I know X things, but I can confidently say that I know far more today than I did a year ago because I have been driven to educate myself and learn to improve in every conceivable way. Today, I personally don’t care about having a degree, and I personally believe that most degrees are scams to enslave you in debt or even enslave the mind to think in a very specific way rather than thinking critically about everything. I still have many things that I see in myself that I don’t like when I look in the mirror. There are still many ways in which I need to and hope to grow and become better, but looking at these things not as inescapable circumstances but instead as opportunities has been a game-changing shift for me.

Many, many years ago, when I was fifteen, one of my Uncles told me that he didn’t believe that you became a man until you have had your heart broken. I remember at fifteen, thinking he was dumb and that I had also experienced heartbreak, how silly and nieve I was. Though I do not fully agree with the statement even today, I think there is something in that statement. Men need to face hardships as it makes them resilient, capable of leadership, and worthy of being followed. I think it is healthy for people, in general, to be told from time to time that they’re not good enough because we all need to move forward and grow continuously, and if no one ever tells us to be better. Often we will stagnate and stagnation inevitably leads to regression. There is no such thing as neutral in life we are either moving forward or backwards. The core truth in my Uncle’s idea is that we as human creatures do not change without suffering. We avoid conflict and pain; when we avoid it, we stagnate and slowly regress. We avoid hard conversations, and we avoid challenges because, by nature, they are beyond our comfort zone.

So, as I close out my first year of being thirty, I hope to spend year thirty-one learning even more. I hope and pray for physical, mental, emotional, and financial growth. As I look forward, I pray for the conviction to see where I am weak and the God-given capacity to grow and become more. I have a few ideas on where I need to grow, and I have no doubt some blind spots have yet to be made known as I look forward to year two of pursuing a purpose-filled life. I intend to continue my weekly posts and look forward to sharing what God does next in my life and what He teaches me. I look forward to seeing what story is told over the next 78,000 words. As I share the lessons I learn and how God is working in my story.

So, to all those who have joined me so far, thank you. I hope you have learned something along the way or heard the voice of conviction as God calls you to grow and pursue a purpose-filled life. May we all run the race set before us with endurance and at the end hear Him say “Well done, my good and faithful servant.”