Learning to Live Fearlessly

Hello once again, my dear friends. I am writing this post from the cozy comfort of my favorite coffee shop. I come to you from another week of driving and many hours of quietly meditating on the various subjects I learned about. During my trip to Utah, I learned about the LDS culture. I was also introduced to Jamie Winship, who served as a highly decorated police officer. Because of his success as a police officer, he was recruited by the CIA as he developed a reputation for solving problems that no one else could solve. The stories he tells of finding kidnapped children in the trunk of a car that was passing him after he had prayed for guidance from God will give you chills. Stories of serving in hostile Muslim territories where many Muslim leaders wanted him dead. One of my favorite stories he tells is about a situation where Jamie and a friend go into a Muslim camp. When they are invited to eat, the table is set for an extra person each time. Confused, they eventually question their hosts as to why they set an extra plate during each meal. Their Muslim host is confused and says that it is for their bodyguard who stands watch. Jamie and his friend are confused as they are the only party members. Everyone is confused, so Jamie asks their host to describe this “bodyguard.” After a moment of confusion from all parties, their host describes a man who stands guard each night while they sleep, and this guard wields a sword. After a moment, everyone, including their host, realizes what this guard is, and soon, the camp is made aware that these two men are being guarded by an Angel. Check out this podcast if you want to hear the story as Jamie told it.

When I listened to this story, I felt chills of awe and excitement. These are but two examples of stories that Jamie tells of the miraculous. In his book “Living Fearless,” Jamie tells more stories like this and proposes learning to live differently—to live fearlessly. As I read this book, I found myself both inspired and convicted in many ways, realizing how many areas of my life are hindered by fear. Maybe these fears are exclusively my own, and no one else can relate to them, but I suspect some will echo these fears in their own ways.

Fear of Failure

Growing up as the oldest of six, I remember one very clear command being given to me when I was seven years old: I was told, “I had to be a good example to my siblings.” This implied in my mind at least that if I failed to be a good example, I would be responsible for any mistakes my siblings made because if they messed up, it somehow meant that I had failed to be a good example to them. This created an unspoken desire to be perfect. When I got a spanking as a child for misbehaving, I would go into the bathroom, wash my face, and try to make sure that none of my siblings could tell I had cried. Because I had somehow internalized them, seeing my crying as a connection to my failure to be a good example to them. This attitude created in me a perfectionist mentality. This fear of failure created an impossible standard, one that I often find myself striving for. Even today, I find myself wrestling with this. For a long time, I would always review my writings, and then I would rewrite them a dozen times over; for a long time, I would avoid confessing flaws or failures not because I didn’t think they existed but instead because I knew they did and I hoped that if I didn’t point them out then maybe no one would notice them. This is a fear I find I often still wrestle with.

Fear of Being Stupid

I grew up in a rather unconventional environment, being raised as a Mennonite and later living among the Amish for a time. I found myself rarely fitting in. When I was finally introduced to the “modern world” and living among my peers, I found I could rarely relate; while they shared stories about high school, I could only share stories of my working days. When friends would tell stories of their college professors, I would find myself retreating from the conversation. I found in these moments that I felt stupid and broken. Because of this, I would dig into books and go through the dictionary, reading and learning the meaning of words. Yet, no matter how much I learned, I found I never knew enough. The feeling would never go away, and I always felt as though I was stupid.

Fear of Being Unworthy

The feeling of being stupid would directly translate into feeling unworthy. Feeling like a failure and stupid, I found myself haunted by the notion that I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t know how to become “good enough,” but I found myself constantly striving to become good enough. This would again drive me deeper into books, hoping that somewhere, I would find the magic pill that would finally fix me. It was in these fears that I found the devil would come for me. Many years ago now, I was engaged for a season of life after three years of dating. It ended abruptly, and I found myself at a loss and confused. During this time, I would seek forgiveness from her, feeling that I had failed by not leading the relationship with Biblical boundaries. She told me, “If you had maintained your boundaries, I would have gotten bored with you a long time ago.” This shattered my confidence in many ways, and I found myself questioning everything, including my faith, and wondering if I had lost this person I loved by maintaining the few boundaries that I did. Years later, I would face this fear again when I was found “unworthy” because I didn’t have a “master’s degree.” In these moments, I felt utterly defeated and realized the devil loves nothing more than to come after us when and where we are weak. The devil does not play fair and goes for the low blow. The devil’s tactic is not to aim where we are strong but instead where we have been wounded; he aims for the cracks in our armor.

Fear of Being Rejected

These fears become a naturally evolving beast, each feeding on the previous. Fearing failure, one finds oneself feeling stupid, and if we are stupid, this naturally makes us feel as though we are unworthy. Through this unworthiness, we learn to expect to be rejected. We learn to believe that no one wants us around; we learn to think that we aren’t good enough to be invited to X thing or that person would never want to be our friend or romantic partner. In this, we isolate and find over time that everything around us seems to reinforce these feelings. These feelings become a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. These are the devils’ tactics, and often, we human beings inadvertently are the instruments by which these tactics are employed. We often maim and injure others without realizing that we have struck a yet unhealed wound of another. The question we are left with is how do we heal from these wounds? How can we see these wounds become healed scars?

Healing

The reality is that we, as human beings, have a perverse nature, and sometimes, we don’t want to heal. Sometimes, we want to be allowed to wallow in our misery. We want to continue to have the excuse that it’s not MY fault. We crave within our being to be able to deflect responsibility, and we crave in our perversion to point at someone else. Yet, our failure to heal to a degree often comes from not wanting because we like being able to say it’s not “my fault.”

I have often wondered how the moment of the fall might have changed if, rather than blaming one another and blaming God Himself, Adam and Eve had admitted their failure. We obviously will never know this answer, but we can seek to implement it in our own lives. We can aim to account for our failures, we can seek to admit our fears, and through this, we bring them to light. While reading Jamie’s book “Living Fearless,” he highlighted something I have often heard. Within the Bible, the phrase that is most often said is “Do not be afraid.” I have often heard this, but I have often equated this to moments when Angel appeared and told people not to be afraid because Angel’s were and are terrifying to behold. Yet, as I was reading this book, I found a new perspective on this phrase. We are called as Christians to not live in fear in general, for “If God is with us, who can stand against us.” Yet, often, I fail to “Truly” believe this.

Here is the truth of this writing: I don’t want to reveal my fears, I don’t want others to know my weaknesses, and I would prefer others to see me as some perfect super Christian. Yet, in confessing weakness, failure, and fear, we disarm them of their power. In confession, we bring them into the light, and when they are exposed to the light, we find they lose their power. In the light, others can help us identify them when they seek to overwhelm us. I want to learn to live a truly FEARLESS life. I want to live a life where I can be a vessel of radical change in the world. I want to be able to live a life where others can see the love and power of Christ reflected. Jesus in the Garden was exposed to every fear and anxiety, so great were they that they came out in sweat drops of blood. Yet in this moment, Jesus submitted them unto God and said, “Not my will, but Thy will be done.” Jesus was not ruled by fear and anxiety but submitted them unto God, and He carried our cross through this submission. Christ also did not hide these moments from His disciples. He instead revealed them to His disciples so that they might find hope and a solution to the worries of life. Jesus Himself first submitted them to God, and then they were revealed unto his disciples so that they, too, might have a path by which they could overcome them.

In closing, I am reminded of Peter's story, the rock upon which Jesus said His church would be built. Peter is a character who has incredible highs in the revelation of who Jesus is, and then later in the story, he is gripped by fear and denies having ever known Jesus. Yet, this is not the end of his story. Jesus redeems him and loves him through his failures and fears, and in the end, Peter, too, is crucified, only they hang him upside down by his request as he does not feel worthy to die in the same manner as Christ did. Peter goes from cowardly denying Christ to a little girl to becoming a courageous voice for the truth. His fears are defeated, but they are not defeated in his own power or ability but instead in submission to the will of God and faith in Jesus. I don’t know where my story ends, but I want to live fearless and a life submitted to Christ.

I pray this post blesses and encourages all who read it. Please consider sharing and subscribing.