Seeking Purpose In The Silence

Another week, another post! This week was an adventure from driving to Brownwood to driving to Austin to help Tyler and Becca move! I also get the pleasure of writing this post from a waterfront view at a coffee shop here in Austin called “Mozart’s Coffee Roasters.” I spent Friday morning driving out to Austin and then, from there, spent the remainder of the day helping Tyler and Becca move into their new living accommodations.

This past week was an interesting one for me as I have been wrestling through a dozen different ideas and trying to figure out what the next step is for me and what the next thing is for me to do. In the midst of all this wrestling, I found myself searching for a new book to read, something that would help me reconcile and quiet the war in my mind. I have found myself in a season of restlessness, feeling unable to hear the voice of God, afraid that maybe I’ve missed His leading, feeling as though I may have made a mistake somewhere along the way, afraid that I did or didn’t do something that led me to this seemingly silent season of life, where I feel directionless.

It was in this restless searching I was led to a search for books on learning to hear the voice of God, and by that searching, I found two books that caught my eye. The first book is called “Whisper” by Mark Batterson, a book that I realized I have had a copy of for over a year and yet still have not read. I found it funny as I realized that this isn’t the first time I’ve asked the question, “How do I hear the voice of God?” I realized this book was previously recommended to me, and I ended up buying it but then never read it. Which I think says a lot about how well I “listen.” Sometimes, God is actively speaking, yet I am so frantically searching for answers that I am unable to hear what it is that He is trying to tell me because I refuse to slow down enough to hear what it is He is saying.

The second book I found in my search is called “Discerning the Voice of God” by Pricilla Shirer, and during my drive to Austin, I found I couldn’t stop listening to it. I am a person who can’t help but analyze everything. When I watch movies, I watch for the subliminal message rather than the overt message. Which oftentimes can make me an annoying person to watch something with. I do this internally as well. I analyze my own thoughts, and I find that I "think" about the thoughts I "think." This is normal, right? Recently, I’ve found myself asking the question, "How do I know if I am in God’s will?" or "If I am listening to Him?" I think this comes with age in some ways, but I also think this comes from the fact that I often find myself feeling like I am behind in life. I always thought that by the time I was thirty, I’d be married and maybe even have a child or two. I thought I’d feel different, that I’d be someone who felt like I had this thing called "life" figured out by now. All these things as of yet are not true. If anything, I feel as though I have less figured out today than I did five or even ten years ago.

So here I sit in a coffee shop in Austin, Texas, asking the question of what am I doing here? Did I miss the grand mission of my life? I also find myself wondering where did and does this pressure of feeling like I should have this figured out come from. These are the questions that have, in many ways, plagued my mind, leaving me restless at night, wondering where I made the mistake and if there is any way for me to fix it. As I listened to this newest book, I found some mental pieces clicked into place for me. Sadly, none of these pieces are anything I hadn’t heard before. In fact, many of these puzzle pieces are cliche today. Oftentimes, the truest things are ignored because we have heard them so many times we’ve hardened ourselves to the simple truth they present to us. Also, I think sometimes we find ourselves fighting against the simple truths because we think surely it can’t be that easy.

A couple of months ago, I asked my pastor, Pastor Steve, “How do I know when it’s the voice of God and His will and when it’s just my own desires?” I eagerly awaited his answer, and his response to me with an earnest smile was this, “That's a great question; let me know when you figure that out.” I was disappointed by his reply, but then he followed it up with this. He asked me, “Are you reading the bible regularly?” I replied yes, sir. “Are you doing everything you know to do to follow His will in your life?” again, I replied yes, sir. “Then keep doing what you’re doing, and trust that God will show you what to do next when it's time.”

I’m not going to lie; at that moment, I was disappointed by his answer because it really wasn’t what I wanted to hear. I wanted him to give me some magical revelation that would answer all my questions or give me a book that would clarify all these questions. I wanted him to give me some task list of things I could do to know for sure if it was God and not me. As I thought back on this moment, I found myself reminded of a story from Second Kings Chapter Five. In this story, there is a great commander, and he has leprosy, and so in an attempt to be healed, he is informed of a man of God whose name is Elisha. So he goes to seek healing from Elisha. When he arrives to speak with this man of God, he is not greeted by Elisha, but instead, Elisha sends a messenger to speak to this great commander. The messenger gives him a simple instruction: “Go wash yourself seven times in the Jordan.” The commander is enraged by this. This command seems far too simple, and this command seems too trivial. Not only that, Elisha doesn’t even bother to come and tell the commander himself; instead, he sends a messenger to the door.

I can imagine the thoughts of this commander. “I am a great commander, vanquisher of many, and you can’t even respect me enough to speak to me directly!” But the commander's anger is appeased by the words of his servant.

2 Kings 5 13-14 : “My father, if the prophet had told you to do some great thing, would you not have done it? How much more, then, when he tells you, ‘Wash and be cleansed’!” So he went down and dipped himself in the Jordan seven times, as the man of God had told him, and his flesh was restored and became clean like that of a young boy.

I confess I relate to this commander in this. I too often want God to give me a clear objective, something that seems sufficiently imposing to bring forth the answer or result I want. Instead, in this story, God humbles this commander of great renown, this commander who conquered armies is laid low by his leprosy, but then he is humbled yet again by the fact that the man of God won’t even give him enough respect and attention to speak to him directly. Then he is humbled a third time when he is seemingly off-handedly given the task of "Go bathe in the river over there, and you’ll be made well." Or that, at least, is how I find myself reading this story. This great commander is made aware of just how insignificant a task it is to heal his infirmities to the God of Israel.

This task that no command of might and power could achieve is done simply by the will of the God of Israel. The story goes on from here, but I want to focus only on this section today as I find I relate to it deeply in this season of life. I find it would be so much easier if God would give me some monumental task. If He would give me some checklist of physically demanding tasks I could do, I would do them! Instead, God has led me in this season of life with three simple tasks, “wait, be patient, and trust Me.” And I can say for me, at least, it can often be the hardest task list for me to do! Because it leaves me without any control, it leaves me in utter dependence on Him. It leaves me with no choice but to be silent, still, and simply waiting for His directing.

As I read through “Discerning the Voice of God,” I found myself reminded once more that there is no power of my own that can achieve the will of God. God also does not NEED me to achieve His will. He does, however, invite me to participate in His will, and I can choose to be faithful and await His hand to direct me, or I can try to take it into my own hands like Abraham and Sarah, and I can make a mess, which I know I would do, or I can await Him and trust that in His will and by his perfect timing He will fulfill His promises. So despite the fact that I feel like I have somehow failed at life because I don’t feel like I am where I should be in life because I am now thirty years old and I am yet unmarried, I can be ever encouraged by the simple truth that my God is not surprised. God isn’t frantically searching for me and trying to get me back on track to where I am supposed to be. He has seen my every step, and He has promised that He will provide for my every need.

I can, with confidence, go to sleep knowing that I have not somehow ruined His original plan for my life. I can trust that we are still on plan A for my life. He has seen my every mistake, He has seen my every flaw and misstep that I would make along the way, and He has chosen to love me, weaving a masterful story faithfully. And every time I look back, I can see where God was looking out for me. When I saw ruin in an engagement that never came to a wedding, I can now look back, and I see rescue from what surely would have ended in greater heartache and divorce. Where I see a missed opportunities in a college education and college memories I was unable to have and make, I can today look back and praise God, for He has taught me lessons through my years of work that no college could ever have taught me. He has been faithful all the days of my life, and He is faithful still today. I don’t know what I will see ten years or even ten months from today when I look back, but I have no doubt that when I do finally look back, I will see the amazing grace of a faithful God who carried me each step of the way. I will see how He was directing me one step at a time.

Thank you all once more for joining me. I hope this is encouraging to someone who finds themselves struggling to see the purpose of the season of life they find themselves in. I don’t know what He is doing in your life, but hold on, He is doing something incredible, just you wait and see! God is faithful to finish the work He has begun in you, in me, in each and everyone of His children!