The Cost of a Swipe: How Dating Apps Exploit Loneliness for Profit
Introduction:
Imagine opening a dating app, feeling hopeful, maybe a little nervous, especially with all the horror stories you’ve heard. But you want to meet someone and find that special someone to share your life with. So you finally cave in and download the app or apps ready to see who might be out there. You set up your profile, share your best pictures, and begin to swipe, scroll, and check your notifications. Hours go by, maybe days, and nothing much happens. A few likes here and there, perhaps you get one or two conversations, but none of them pan out, and you start to wonder—why does it feel like you’re playing a game rigged against you?
The truth is, you probably are. Behind the colorful icons and clever branding, dating apps like Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, OkCupid, and most others are built on a foundation of strategic manipulation, designed not just to help you find love but to keep you locked into their system—and spending money in the process. So, as someone who has found themselves locked into this cycle before, I decided I wanted to pull back the curtain and look at how these platforms really operate, understand the tactics they use to keep you hooked, and what that does to your sense of self-worth. I did that by doing the thing nobody ever does. I started to read their Terms of Service and sought to understand what we agreed to when we signed up for these services.
Thanks for reading Purpose Pursued! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.
Subscribed
The Billion-Dollar Dating Industry:
The first online dating service, Kiss.com, launched in 1994; I would have been one then. However, Match.com, which launched in 1995, became the first major dating site to gain widespread popularity. And so a new industry was born, an industry which is fed by the human desire for connection and love. So, let’s take a quick look at one company, “Match Group,” and the various dating platforms they own.
Tinder – The most popular dating app worldwide, known for its swiping feature that allows users to swipe right or left to like or dislike profiles.
Match.com – One of the original online dating services, which focuses on long-term relationships and compatibility matching.
OkCupid – A dating site and app that uses a detailed questionnaire to match users based on interests, personality traits, and values.
Hinge – Marketed as the app "designed to be deleted," Hinge focuses on fostering serious, long-term relationships rather than casual encounters.
Plenty of Fish (POF) – A dating site and app known for its large user base and free-to-use model, although it also offers premium features.
Meetic – A leading dating service in Europe, similar to Match.com, focused on helping users find serious, long-term relationships.
OurTime – A dating site dedicated to singles over 50, helping older adults find companionship and relationships.
BlackPeopleMeet – A dating site focused on African American singles looking for friendship, romance, and relationships.
Chispa – A dating app designed for Latino singles to meet, connect, and build relationships.
BLK – A dating app focused on connecting Black singles within the U.S. for dating and relationships.
Pairs – A leading dating app in Japan, emphasizing serious relationships and marriage-minded dating.
Twoo – A social discovery platform that combines elements of dating and social networking.
Hawaya – A dating app specifically designed for Muslims, aiming to create meaningful connections while respecting cultural and religious values.
Match Affinity – A sister site of Match.com that uses advanced algorithms to help users find compatible matches based on deep compatibility assessments.
Upward – A faith-based dating app designed for Christian singles looking to meet like-minded partners.
Cougar Life – A dating site catering to older women and younger men looking for age-gap relationships.
If you didn’t count, that is 16 different platforms that they operate/own, and If you’ve spent any time in the online dating world, you have likely been on one or two of these apps at some point, and globally, today, there are an estimated 8000+ dating apps. There is a global demand for these platforms, and many have realized that dating apps are big business. Match Group owns all the previously mentioned apps and made over $3.2 billion in 2022 alone.
Bumble Inc., the parent company of Bumble and Badoo, pulled in around $900 million the same year.
These numbers aren’t surprising when you consider how these apps monetize our search for connection—through subscriptions, in-app purchases, and premium features. But the question is, how do they keep us paying?
Hidden Manipulation in the Terms of Service:
For those who either got married before or were able to avoid dating apps, I would say you are very fortunate. I have personally used many of these apps at some point or another. Each of these apps is designed not to help you find love despite their messaging stating that it is overwise, and each app is intended to maximize your spending. They do this by hiding profiles like yours, or they tease you by claiming they will boost the visibility of your profile if you pay for the X feature. But the question is, do they really boost your visibility, or is it simply set up as an incentive to keep you paying? Many dating apps cloak their tactics in broad, vague language in their Terms of Service (TOS), allowing them maximum flexibility to control what we see and when we see it. They know we don't read these lengthy agreements, so let’s break down what’s happening here and what you agree to when signing up.
Selective Profile Visibility: The Power to Hide Matches
Tinder, one of the most popular dating apps, spells it out in their TOS:
“We do not guarantee that our services will be uninterrupted or error-free, or that any content, including user profiles or matches, will be displayed in a particular order or at any particular time. We reserve the right to limit or restrict your access to certain services or features at our sole discretion.”
What does this mean for you? This means that Tinder has the right to hide matches from you, even if someone has already swiped the right one. They could keep that match in their pocket, waiting for the moment you’re frustrated enough to consider upgrading to Tinder Gold, believing that paying will finally get you noticed. But you’re not guaranteed to see those matches even then. It’s like playing a slot machine—you keep pulling the lever, hoping for a payoff, but the house always has the edge. They want to keep you as long as possible, and they want to maximize their profit with each user, and they do this through emotional and physiological manipulation.
Hiding Matches to Encourage Spending: Playing on Your Fears
Hinge, another big player in the dating app world, is no different. An app that makes the claim “The dating app designed to be deleted.” Their TOS bluntly states:
“We reserve the right to modify, limit, or restrict your access to any or all of our services or features, including profile visibility and match availability. We do not guarantee that you will see any specific profiles or that your likes will be reciprocated or displayed to other users.”
Think about that for a second. Even if you’re a paying subscriber, Hinge can hide your matches or delay showing who liked your profile. This creates a sense of scarcity, making you feel like you’re missing out. The pressure builds—if only you could see who liked you, if only you could swipe a little more. So, you keep swiping, maybe even paying for more visibility, when in reality, the app might be hiding matches to keep you hooked longer.
Algorithmic Filtering: The Invisible Hand Decides Your Fate
OkCupid’s TOS also makes it clear that their algorithm, not chance or compatibility, determines who sees whom:
“Our algorithm determines which profiles, likes, and matches are visible to you. We reserve the right to change how this algorithm works, and we do not guarantee that any specific user interactions will be shown to you.”
In plain terms, OkCupid decides who gets to see your profile and whose profiles you get to see. They could prioritize profiles that are more likely to engage—meaning those who spend more money or show more activity on the app. You might think you’re just unlucky, but it’s not bad luck—it’s a deliberate business strategy. And all the while, your confidence might be taking a hit.
Monetization Through Delayed Matches: Keeping You on the Hook
Then there’s Match.com, one of the oldest dating sites, which spells it out even more plainly:
“We may, at our discretion, modify, suspend, or discontinue any aspect of our service, including the availability or visibility of profiles, matches, or likes. We do not guarantee that any particular match or like will be displayed or made available to you.”
What’s the effect of this? Simply put, they can delay or hide your matches and likes, even if you’re paying. This tactic keeps you engaged and, more importantly, keeps you subscribing, buying boosts, and spending money, all while you’re left feeling that if you just try a little harder, swipe a little more, or pay a little extra, you’ll find what you’re looking for.
The Psychological Toll: How These Tactics Affect You
These practices are not just financially exploitative; they have a deep psychological impact on users.
Feelings of Rejection and Worthlessness: When your matches are hidden or selectively displayed, it can feel like constant rejection. You might start thinking you’re not attractive or interesting enough. The truth is, it’s not you—it’s the algorithm.
Dependency on External Validation: Dating apps encourage you to seek validation from likes and matches, subtly teaching you that your worth is tied to the number of notifications you receive. It’s a recipe for self-doubt and insecurity, making you dependent on the app for self-esteem.
Increased Loneliness and Despair: The paradox of these platforms is that while they are designed to connect people, they often leave users feeling more alone than ever. The belief that "everyone else is finding love except me" can intensify feelings of isolation and hopelessness, especially when the reality is that others are also stuck in the same algorithmic game.
How These Apps Keep You Hooked: A Cycle of Manipulation
Dating apps use sophisticated algorithms and psychological tricks to keep you engaged. Here’s how:
1. Algorithmic Control Over Visibility:
Apps like OkCupid and Tinder use algorithms to decide which profiles you see, often favoring those who pay more or engage more frequently. The less you know about how this works, the more frustrated you become, and the more likely you are to keep swiping—or to pay for a boost. These algorithms create a sense of randomness and unpredictability that keeps users engaged, constantly hoping that the next profile could be "the one."
2. Creating Scarcity Through Delayed Matches:
By controlling the flow of likes and matches, these platforms create a sense of scarcity, pushing you to swipe more and stay longer. It’s like chasing a mirage—just when you think you’re close, it slips out of reach. This tactic plays on the "fear of missing out" (FOMO), encouraging users to check the app frequently and remain engaged for longer periods.
3. Planting Fake Accounts:
Some dating platforms have been known to create fake profiles to keep users engaged. These fake accounts, often using stock photos or images of attractive people, send likes, messages, or flirtatious prompts to users to make them feel desired and keep them active on the app.
Evidence of Fake Accounts: In 2019, Tinder faced a lawsuit that alleged the use of fake profiles to engage users and encourage them to pay for premium services. Some users have reported receiving messages or matches from accounts that appear suspiciously inactive or non-genuine. Similarly, Bumble and other dating apps have been accused by users and watchdog groups of using fake profiles to inflate user engagement and retain more subscribers.
Impact on Users: Fake accounts give users the illusion that they are receiving more attention or interest than they actually are, fostering hope and engagement. However, when users try to communicate with these fake accounts, they often receive no response, leading to frustration and a feeling of being deceived. This tactic keeps users hooked, hoping that their next interaction will be more genuine.
4. Fake Matching:
Fake matching refers to the practice of dating platforms creating or facilitating fake interactions between users. For example, some apps may send notifications indicating that "someone likes you" or "you have a new match," even when this is not necessarily true. This creates a sense of excitement or urgency that prompts users to log in and potentially pay for features like "See Who Likes You."
Evidence of Fake Matching: In 2018, the app Ashley Madison, which caters to people seeking extramarital affairs, was caught using bots to send flirtatious messages to male users, making them believe real women were approaching them. The company eventually admitted that a substantial number of female profiles were fake, created solely to encourage engagement from male users. Additionally, a 2017 investigation revealed that the dating app Grindr allegedly inflated its active user numbers by including inactive or fake profiles.
Impact on Users: Fake matching makes users believe they are getting more engagement than they actually are, incentivizing them to pay for premium features to "unlock" these matches or messages. When the expected interactions do not materialize, users may feel disappointed and manipulated and be more likely to invest further in the platform in hopes of achieving genuine engagement.
By planting fake accounts, facilitating fake matching, controlling visibility, and creating scarcity, dating apps are not just offering a platform for connection—they are actively manipulating user behavior to maximize profit. These tactics take advantage of human psychology, exploiting users' desire for connection, validation, and love, all while ensuring that engagement levels remain high and subscription revenues keep flowing in.
Why This Matters: The Broader Implications
This isn’t just about your wallet; it’s about the mental health of those using these apps and the integrity of human connections:
Erosion of Trust: As people become aware of these tactics, trust in online dating—and even in relationships themselves—erodes. If you feel manipulated online, you might carry that skepticism into your offline connections.
Financial Exploitation: Many users spend hundreds, if not thousands, on premium features that don’t deliver on their promises. The result? Not just financial strain, but emotional frustration that can feel like betrayal.
Just People Meeting IRL(In Real Life): Many may just argue that you should just meet people IRL. But for many, they are left asking where. The Bar? Church? The bar rarely seems to be filled with people looking for committed relationships, and few churches are creating environments for dating, and even if they do, you are faced with the risk of being ostracized if things don’t work out.
I think the ideal is to meet people IRL and face those risks. But the reality today is that just over 40% of all people report having met their significant other in some online forum. Despite these manipulative practices, many still find a way to power through and find that special someone. The question is how much were they forced to spend to find them. Our culture has shifted; we no longer have common communal gathering places, and the days of community arcades or diners are long gone. As the years go by, we become increasingly isolated, and I would argue in many ways that these apps are making it worse, not better.
Conclusion: The High Cost of Chasing Love Online
Dating apps have changed the landscape of love, but at what cost? By exploiting our desire for connection and manipulating our experiences to maximize their profit, these platforms leave many users feeling lonelier, less confident, and poorer for the experience. Awareness is the first step toward reclaiming control—both over our wallets and our self-worth. Since the advent of these apps, we have seen a continued collapse in marriage rates. The first online dating platform was launched in 1994, giving them about six years to mature; we can see a significant change as our marriage rates dropped approximately 25.6% from 2000 to 2022.
Dating apps are not the only contributors to this problem, but I think they play a significant role. A part of me wishes we could delete the apps or the entire internet. But there is no putting that genie back into the bottle. We must instead adapt to our new environment. Dating apps can and do serve a purpose in our modern world of technology. Many today have jobs that afford them limited opportunities to meet that special someone, and these apps can help.
Call to Action:
My issue here is that these apps exist. A part of me wishes they would disappear or that, like a bad firmware update, we could revert to an older version of dating. I wish we could revert, but this is simply not realistic. Instead, I think we should demand clear algorithms and transparency on how our data and profiles are being selectively filtered and used to maximize the profits of these companies. We do this by simply voting with our wallets and refusing to pay for the premium features. These companies only care about their bottom line, and if you vote with your wallet, they will begin to change. Or maybe someone can create an alternative platform dedicated to a vision of honesty and transparency and treat its users like human beings, not just paychecks. Perhaps you can connect with your local Church or community and create an alternative solution. Maybe we should make a #defundtinder, #defundmatchgroup, or #defunddatingapps and inform them that we demand honesty from these platforms. Regardless of the solution, everyone should remember that you are more than just a swipe; there is a person on the other side of your every swipe.
