A Man After God's Heart

It is so cool to me how God speaks differently to all of us. Though I have yet to find an answer to the questions that I most wish to have answered, I find that when I sit down to write, I find peace and quiet in my soul. Writing has often been the place where I feel best able to communicate, both with God and people. Many years ago now, when the wound of a break-up was still very fresh, I decided I would write to my ex, explaining to her how much she meant to me. It was a silly thing to do and ultimately did not bear the results I had hoped for, yet because of this act, I found myself a couple of years later facing a conviction from the Holy Spirit. In my mind, I heard, “You will write out your heart for a person, yet not for Me.” It was in that moment that I realized many of the mistakes I had made in that relationship, but it was also in this moment that I realized how I had misplaced my affection. Realizing how I had made this person the “god” of my heart and mind.

So it was that I decided I would begin doing a prayer journal, in which I would write to God instead and tell Him about the things of my life and tell Him how much He meant and means to me. It started out simply with a few minutes each day of writing. I would share with God the thoughts in my mind and the feelings and struggles I was dealing with at that moment. As I began, I decided to count each day that I sat down to journal; I also wrote the date and the time. Today was day 516, and I found myself writing not merely for a few minutes but instead for hours, filling multiple pages with my thoughts and feelings. I share with God things He is obviously already aware of, but all the same, I share them and pour out to Him my every worry and concern. I repeat myself, and I bring things to Him that He has heard from me dozens of times already. When I first started, I would feel ridiculous repeating myself, and sometimes I’d get frustrated with myself for bringing up the same things over and over, thinking how tired God must be of hearing me repeatedly bring Him the same things.

Yet, as I thought this, I found God arrested that idea. As I spent time writing and in His word, I have never found any evidence of Him tiring of the honest communication of His children. I found this to be most evident for me as I began reading through the Psalms of King David. As I read through the Psalms, I found such relief in my heart to hear how raw the thoughts and emotions of King David were with God. He would hide nothing from God. He shared his joys, his sorrows, and his frustrations with God. And the Bible calls David a man after God’s own heart. As I’ve thought about this statement, I realize I would like it if, one day, this could be said about me that I, too, was a man after God’s own heart. I want to be someone who never feels the need to hide anything from God but shares his every thought with Him honestly.

I shared last week this idea of the “Dark Night of the Soul,” and today, I still find myself feeling very much like God is silent in my life. I sat down with a friend this week and shared with him some of these feelings and thoughts, and in response, he brought up Psalm 25, where King David, too, finds himself in distress. As I read this Psalm, I was again encouraged to read and see how honest and vulnerable David was with God. He hid nothing. He shared his doubts and fears, leaving no mysteries between himself and God. He chose to speak honestly, and when he saw his mistakes, he brought them honestly before God, confessing them openly and seeking to make things right before God so as not to hinder his relationship with God in any way.

David was far from perfect, as we all know well in the story of Bathsheba, yet what is incredible about this story is God does not throw David out and turn away from him. Instead, God sends the prophet Nathan to confront David about his mistake. God sought out David and wanted to restore a relationship with David. God also informs David of the consequences of his actions. Also, how David responds is, in my mind, part of the reason why he is called “a man after God’s own heart.” David confesses his mistake, repents, seeks forgiveness, and does the best that he can to make things right. He is always quick to admit his mistakes and proclaim his need for help from God.

Some might read this story and think, well, David gets what he wants in the end because he takes Bathsheba as his wife, but in this culture, she would have been left destitute and very likely would have ended up having to become a prostitute if she wished to survive. In many ways, I think it would have been easier for David to reject her as she would have been a daily reminder of the mistake he had made, how his actions had caused the death of not only an innocent man but also an innocent child because of a poor decision he made in a moment of lust. Yet David did not put her out but instead brought her into his home, taking full responsibility for his actions. Then there is Bathsheba; I can also only imagine the mental and emotional war that must have been taking place in her heart and mind. I wonder how many times she lay awake wondering how she could have done things differently, how she must have blamed herself for the death of her child. I wonder if she ever lay awake at night thinking through scenarios of how she could have done things differently.

Here, too, God was sovereign, and He chose to bless and redeem Bathsheba’s story by later giving her a son called Solomon, a name meaning “Peace.” A name perfectly fitting for the story. God gave Bathsheba “peace” and a redemption story, as I imagine she must have blamed herself often for the death of her husband. I imagine she also felt like a traitor to her husband as she then became the wife of the man who murdered her husband while also realizing if she hadn’t become his wife, then her future would have likely been one of destitution, that inner war is one I imagine was quieted when “peace” was born to her. Some scholars think that Bathsheba intentionally put herself in a position to seduce King David. I think it’s possible, but I don’t know that, and the Bible doesn’t say that, but it also does not really matter to me. I know only the story as we have it in the Bible. And I know that God held King David accountable for his actions and the events that followed. My point in sharing those thoughts is simply to point out King David’s mistakes, but also his heart in wanting always to be reconciled into right relationship with God.

As I continue to journal, I pray I can avoid making a mistake as grievous as this. Yet, I, too, can look back and realize how many of the mistakes I have made have hurt people unintentionally in my life. Some by the words I have spoken and others by the things I have done. As I meditate on this story of King David as well as the Psalms he wrote, I find encouragement in the fact that God can and does redeem our stories and that He does not cast us out when we make a mistake, But we also get to decide how we will respond when we do make those mistakes. Will we turn to God and repent as David did, or will we deny our responsibility? As I continue to journal, I pray I, too, can be “A man after God’s own heart” and that I can be someone who is always quick to repent, who does not try to hide from God or even others when I have made a mistake, but in all things, I hope I can and will always honestly bring my mistakes before Him asking Him to help me make right my wrongs.

I want to ask a favor for those who do read this if you don’t mind saying a prayer on my behalf. As mentioned, this season of my life is one that has involved a great deal of wrestling while also trying to rest. I’m not sure if any of you have ever tried wrestling and resting at the same time, but it doesn’t work. I have no monumental or terrible afflictions besetting me. I am simply asking for a moment of prayer for wisdom and clarity as I look forward to my next step.

Thank you all, as always; I hope and pray you have a blessed day!