Dental Fear to Life Lessons: Confronting Avoidance and Building Wisdom
Hello, everyone. This week was more eventful than the average week for me. Last week, I visited the dentist for the first time in well over a decade. Unfortunately, during my visit, I was informed that I had two cavities; one was very minor, and the other was on one of my wisdom teeth. And so, I was advised to get them pulled to avoid future issues. I had been avoiding the dentist exactly for this reason. I didn’t want to go to the dentist because they would tell me something I didn’t want to hear, and that is precisely what he did. I had experienced a few minor toothaches but had hoped it wasn’t anything, especially since I’ve always had really healthy teeth, something I have always accredited to my excessive consumption of milk and good genes. Sadly, I could avoid it no longer. So, I scheduled a follow-up for this week and had three wisdom teeth pulled. When I initially scheduled it, I asked if I needed to have anyone drive me since I had heard of all sorts of horror stories from others who had their wisdom teeth removed. But my dentist assured me I didn’t and that it would be a quick in-and-out procedure. So it was that this week I showed up and had three-quarters of my wisdom yanked from my head, so if I say something especially stupid, forgive me; I now have to learn to manage with what little wisdom has been left to me.
I was genuinely surprised by the fact that it was indeed a quick in and out, just as the dentist promised. I showed up at 10:20, and by 11:20, I was out and on my way. Only now, I had three extra holes in my mouth. I had initially intended to be knocked out for the procedure, but for that to happen, I would need to go through all sorts of paperwork, something I really didn’t want to deal with, so I opted instead to be awake. So the dentist got me all numbed up. He gave me a pair of shades to shield my eyes from any debris, and once I was numb, he started yanking. During the procedure, I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing. As he began to yank, he talked me through it, calmly explaining to me, “You’re gonna feel a lot of pressure for a bit," and after a few moments of yanking and turning my head in the process, he announced the first tooth was out. I had expected it to be a far worse experience than it actually was. Here I am today, well caffeinated, looking for the deeper meaning of life from a dentist visit, seeking to understand my own personal psychology, and wanting to understand what lessons of life I could extract from the experience. This is what I will share today, so grab your popcorn; this one may be a little wilder than normal.
I had long avoided the dentist because I feared the results. So, my solution essentially was, “I will avoid this problem until it goes away.” or simply pretend it doesn't exist. I am, in general, NOT an avoidant in most things, or I at least try not to be. I really try to be self-aware and engage in the things that I fear or make me uncomfortable. For this reason, I took up Jujitsu for a few months a few years ago. Because I was afraid of getting into a physical fight because I've never been in a fight, and I was afraid that should this ever happen, I would be unable to defend myself or those I love. So, I took up Jujitsu. So that I might overcome those fears and equip myself to be prepared should that ever be needed. And reflecting on this, I am reminded of many of my yet unconquered fears. But returning to this idea of being “avoidant” and meditating on it. I realize how often the “mental war” we wage in the process of avoiding is much worse than the thing we are avoiding. Our minds can often paralyze us because we imagine every possible negative outcome. Unfortunately, We as humans are predisposed toward negativity, so we generally imagine every possible way that “the thing” we are avoiding could and will go wrong. So, within our minds, we create an imaginary hell that can often torment us far more than the worst outcome.
I want to share two ideas I learned while listening to one of the many podcasts I enjoy. These ideas speak to this avoidant mentality and shed a little light on how they can hinder our lives. The first idea is this: Men are generally considered to be the “relational protagonists” or “sexual protagonists,” Meaning that they are typically expected to be the ones to initiate and make the first move. Studies have shown that 86% of women want a man to make the first move. Yet, 50% of all men are afraid of making the first move for fear of being seen as creepy or being accused of harassing the woman they are interested in; this fear seems to have been exacerbated post the #MeToo movement and social media that allows for a mob mentality that says “guilty unless proven innocent.” Even if they are proven innocent, reputational damage is often done. This fear has caused some men to leave the arena entirely, saying it’s not worth the risk.
The Second idea is that a guy who sees someone who has caught his interest will often begin to imagine every potential scenario where it could go wrong. So he begins to “mentally masturbate.” This doesn’t mean what you might think. It means he begins mentally reciting every combination of ways he may be rejected or how it could go wrong. He tries to come up with some clever icebreaker or some funny quip. And depending on his previous successes or failures and experience with rejection will often determine how or if he proceeds at all. When he finally gets the courage to talk to or ask out the person of interest, Which he may have spent days, weeks, or even months mentally masturbating over, it becomes a monumental moment in his mind. And if he is rejected, his fears are only reinforced. These fears he brings to that moment are often fed by the media and movies he has seen or the stories he has heard.
Personally, I think another factor is the staggering decline in male testosterone levels, which may also be feeding this, as some recent studies have shown that today’s twenty to thirty-year-old male has the same testosterone level as his seventy-year-old grandfather in the 1980s. Don’t quote me, as I may be off on the exact ages, but the drop in testosterone has been significant. What’s interesting to me is that high testosterone levels generally make men more aggressive and willing to take risks. This may sound silly to the ladies, but most guys are terrified to ask you out because many men generally expect to be humiliated and mocked based on media messaging. And so many men seem to be at a biological level responding to this decline in testosterone, which is seemingly making them less willing to risk rejection. Now, I should also note I don’t think this means we should by any means throw in the towel, nor should we stop setting these expectations of men. And we definitely can not simply play victim to biology. I do, however, think it’s important to understand the multitude of factors that are contributing to this issue. This is also to say nothing of how a generation raised with full access to video pornography and video games has seemingly sapped these same men of their ambitions. These and many other factors seem to have left many young women today, not by choice, unwed and asking, “Where have all the real men gone?”
Another wrinkle in this is that other studies have found that as many as 40% of young men today were raised by a single parent or had an emotionally absent father, meaning many young men today have had no one to model how to engage well with women. They have only seen models in movies or heard it in their music. A staggering number of young people also report using pornography for “educational purposes.” Because Mom and Dad just weren’t there to talk to you about “the birds and the bees.” So they go to figure it out online and become trapped and addicted. Now, it should be noted that this single parent and father absence is also greatly affecting today’s young women, as this same percentage of young women have never seen a model of healthy masculinity in their lives, and more and more young women are also turning to pornography as their introduction to sex. Sex, which is most often depicted as violent. This has left young people with a truly warped understanding of what a healthy relationship should and could be.
I have spent the last twelve months digging into the social dynamics of today’s culture as I find them genuinely fascinating from both an observational perspective as I watch the modern discourse on these subjects but also from the vantage point of evaluating my personal psychology and how my adolescent environment influenced my cognitive development. From a spiritual and, ultimately, a Christian perspective, the answer is as simple as “we live in a fallen world,” and these are the natural results as we further erode the institutions God established and refuse to follow the boundaries and guidelines He has put in place.
Alright, I have no doubt someone is reading this and wondering how I managed to go from “not wanting to go to the dentist to talking about why guys are afraid to ask girls out” and "pornography." Trust me, I get it, me too; my mind is a wild place sometimes. But truthfully, as I meditated on these ideas. I wondered why I had avoided the dentist; it forced me to continue to evaluate my psychological makeup and understand where and how I can and need to continue to grow and mature. We often ruminate or “mentally masturbate” on something and mentally make a mountain of a molehill. Rejection sucks, failure sucks, and much of our environment is beyond our control, but not addressing it does not make it go away. My not wanting to go to the dentist didn’t change the fact that I had developed two cavities that, if left unattended, would have led to deeper issues. My dentist informed me during my visit that a few things could have resulted if I hadn’t come in and addressed the issues. One result could have been that when I finally did go in and address the problem, it would have been far more painful and harder to resolve. Second, if I hadn’t addressed it, it could have resulted in permanent bone deterioration, meaning my teeth would literally have fallen out of my head. Oftentimes, the longer we avoid a problem, the worse the fallout becomes. We inadvertently hurt ourselves and others when we continuously avoid and don't address it. Whatever "it" may be.
The fact is, getting my teeth pulled was unpleasant. It was also painful. But it also wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I have been on a liquid diet for the last couple of days to avoid getting food stuck in my gums. But I can now move forward confidently, knowing I have done my part and my best. I also now have a solid action plan to avoid further cavities. As I was writing this, I was reminded of a passage from Ephesians 4 25-28 which says.
25 Therefore, each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. 26 “In your anger do not sin.” Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold. 28 Anyone who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with their own hands, that they may have something to share with those in need.
Bear with me as I explain my thoughts here and how it connects to the rest of the ideas I've shared. Also, please read the full passage in context, and if what I say doesn’t align with scripture, please throw it out.
These are the ideas that came to my mind for me as I was writing. This passage seems to me partly to be speaking of the idea of “avoiding problems.” There is “anger,” i.e., a “problem,” and we are told not to let the sun go down while we are angry. So the natural question is, Why? Because it creates for the devil a foothold. It gives him an avenue to torment us. It creates for him a place to paralyze us and keep us from growing. It allows him to create conflict within the body. This is such an exciting revelation to me because it is spiritually true as it can create conflict with others who are part of the body of Christ, but it is also literally true that when we don’t address a problem, it can literally make us sick. If we avoid emotional issues, it can make us emotionally sick. If we avoid physical issues, it can make us physically sick.
This instruction given to us by the Holy Spirit through Paul is a simple yet deeply profound gift to help us live a truly healthy life! I genuinely love moments of simple yet profound revelations like this. When God reveals to me a thing that is seemingly so simple, and yet as I meditate on it, the truth of it becomes more and more apparent. It’s as if the truth of God is compounding. This may be a weird image to imagine, but it's as though the truth of God is a perfect sphere, and no matter from what angle I look at it, it always remains perfectly true, even when I see it from an entirely new perspective. It is ultimately and infinitely true!
Look, if you made it this far, thank you. My excuse remains that I had three-quarters of my limited wisdom yanked from my head, so that is my excuse for the rabbit trail I have led you on with this post. But I hope this post can and has resonated with someone and helped them to begin to conquer their own challenges and fears. I hope you all have a blessed day whenever and wherever this post finds you!
If anyone is interested in learning more about some of the social issues I mentioned in this post, check out “The Two-Parent Privilege” by Melissa S. Kearney, a recently published book that I intend to begin reading today. Also, I suspect it will be the beginning of a new rabbit hole for me as I begin to study the epidemic of fatherlessness and its social and psychological effects on today’s youth.
As always, thank you for joining me in pursuing purpose with each post!
