God of Faithfulness
As a kid, I remember running barefoot through green pastures in Kentucky. Out there, you didn't have to worry about goat heads, or as we call them here, stickers you could run around barefoot, and your only concern was thistles, these very obvious weeds covered in little thorns. So I often ran around without a care in the world as to what lay beneath my feet. This meant that I eventually ended up with a thorn or wood splinter in my foot, and I would have to get help to get it out. Usually, I would run or hop as needed to my Mom or Dad as quickly as possible to ask for help. But sometimes, if it was just a small sticker or thorn, I would ignore it or hide it because I didn't want to go through the pain of having it removed. I didn't want to have it removed because it might hinder my ability to play and have fun; even though it was ultimately for my good, I would choose to ignore the problem until it became painful enough that I had no choice but to ask for help and have it removed.
As I considered part three of my writing on trust, I was reminded of these childhood memories and more recent ones that came to mind. Memories of a time when I chose to ignore God and the prompting of the Holy Spirit because I wanted to stay in my comfortable mess; I wanted to stay in the known because I didn't trust God to provide something better for me. I knew I was in a mess and something needed to change, but I didn't want to risk the pain of giving up my comfort. I didn't want to risk giving up what I wanted and what I thought was best.
A few years ago, I was in a long-term relationship. We were engaged and moving toward marriage, or so I thought. There had been a nagging feeling that something was wrong, but I chose to ignore it. I didn't want to risk bringing it up as she felt pressured after graduating to understand where to go and what to do next. I can look back today and say that I was willfully blind and chose to ignore issues in the relationship. I knew God was gently knocking, He was trying to warn me of the coming disaster, but I didn't want to acknowledge it because I was afraid. I was scared that if I did, everything was going to fall apart, and so like a thorn in my foot, I ignored it and allowed it to get worse and worse till one night, on my way home, I was at a loss and unsure where to go next or what to do, I didn't have words for it I just knew something needed to change. So in a singular moment of surrender, I remember silently praying, "God, would You help me? God, would You help me even if it means losing her?" I uttered in a silent whisper of desperation, and I was so afraid that I would lose what I had spent the past four years investing in. Still, at that moment, I risked saying the prayer out of a need for God to help me because, in the singular moment of clarity, I knew this issue was beyond my ability to resolve it!
I imagine at that moment God drawing near like a good Father preparing to remove the thorn from his child's foot. With loving tenderness in his voice, the Father takes his child in his arms and says, "My child, this is going to hurt, but I will be right here with you." As the child winces in pain, the Father hurts with his child. As the thorn is removed, the child cries out in pain, and though the child got the thorn through his foolishness, the Father says nothing but instead draws near to his child; holding him close, the Father whispers to his child, "I know it hurts now, but it will be better soon, and I will help you through this until you can walk again." So the Good Father sits with his child, rocking and comforting him through the pain.
Shortly after I prayed that prayer, things began to fall apart. She told me she wanted to take a break. I fought against it out of fear and tried to fix things and understand. It was a prolonged and exceedingly painful breakup, and I was unprepared for it. Without me even knowing it, my relationship had become my god; she had become my idol. This was and is my prodigal son story. I had been blessed and loved all my life. I had seen His provision in my life countless times, yet I had left the house of my Father because I thought I knew better. I thought I had found what I wanted and didn't need Him anymore; I was very wrong.
I spent months fighting for resurrection and praying for God to revive what was being removed for my ultimate good. I spent months praying for my will to be done rather than praying for His will. I look back today and am so very grateful for my God, who loves me enough to allow me to suffer and who ultimately knew better than me. I look back today and know that my suffering was my creation. Amid my suffering, I didn't see that; while I was suffering, I blamed God, I was mad at God, and I asked Him how could a loving God allow me to invest in a relationship that He knew would end in pain and suffering.
Eventually, I learned to ask a different question. Would I have listened to Him in my stubbornness had He told me? Would I rather God remove from me my free will? If He had forced me to go follow His will, would that have been loving or slavery? Consider these quotes by C.S Lewis
"God won't alter people's character by force. He can & will alter them—but only if the people will let Him. In that way, He has really and truly limited His power. Sometimes we wonder why He has done so or even wish that He hadn't. But apparently, He thinks it is worth doing".
"God, He cannot ravish; He can only woo."
As I meditated on this idea, I realized that love could only exist where it is freely given. It can not be forced; to force it is to change it from love to slavery. The great burden of humanity is our free will, and it is by our free will we are capable of great evil, but it is also only by the same free will that we are capable of anything excellent and lovely. As flawed and broken as our world is, God continues to allow us this freedom to make choices. He allows us to choose whom we date and marry, He allows us to decide where we work, and He allows us the freedom to ignore Him or follow Him. The character of my God will not take from me my freedom to choose Him and to trust in Him; I can only give it to Him, and in my giving it to Him, can He work in me and transform me.
I look back today, and I harbor no ill will toward my once fiance. I can look back today, and I can honestly pray for her. I can hope for her and pray that she finds her way to God again. The world has a seductive power; it tells us in our good seasons that we have no need of God, and often only when things come to ruin by our choices do we once again turn to God and ask Him to lead us once more from the hell we have created for ourselves.
I can look back today and sing songs of praise for the mercy God showed me by rescuing me from my self-made prison. I can look back today and thank God for loving me enough to allow me a season of suffering and save me from a lifetime of pain. My challenge today is this, meditate on where You have suffered and choose to see where and how God has rescued you. Look at the suffering of your life and ask God to redeem it if He hasn't yet. Ask Him to redeem and use what the enemy meant for evil and ask God to take that and forge a story of redemption, healing, and provision instead. Ask God to take your greatest defeats and turn them into a victory song! He is not only willing, but He is also fully capable. The only question is will you allow Him?
