Stubborn Like Me

Have you ever looked back at your life and realized just how dumb you were? I feel like the older I get, the dumber I realize I am and have been; I realize everyday just how much I don't know. I have often reflected on my childhood and remembered how smart I thought I was. Today, at twenty-nine, I look at my eighteen-year-old self and realize how naïve I was, how silly I was for thinking I was so intelligent, and how I again thought I had it all figured out. Today, I hope I can approach each day with the simple knowledge that I genuinely don't know all that much. I hope I always approach each conversation with a willingness to be corrected and the humility to say, "I am wrong." I am a stubborn and opinionated person, as anyone who has been around me can attest to, and others have often had to correct me for my own sake and the sake of others.

So, just as a fun example of my stubbornness, I want to share a personal story. Again, anyone who knows me will read this story and nod their head knowingly and go, "makes sense, I can see Franz doing this." Again, I'm working on it. I'm a work in progress.

So, when I was sixteen, I used to work alongside my Uncle Korn, a man I admired and someone who was a role model to me in many ways. As we would ride from job to job, we would jam to all sorts of music, from Enrique Iglesias to Metallic, and I think we may have listened to Barbie Girl once or twice. He had some burned CDs, so our music was well varied. We would listen to 80's rock and 90's pop, many of the songs I can still sing word for word! We had a blast being goofy as we drove from job to job, often working well into the night. My uncle had one rule: the driver decided the music. Since I was not legally old enough to drive, he always chose what we listened to, which generally was just fine by me. Still, on this particular day, I felt the need to be rebellious and ignore his rule. So, as he was driving along and busy on the phone, I leaned over and changed the radio station. Without missing a beat, he glanced at me with a good-spirited glare, letting me know I had broken his cardinal rule, and he changed the station back. Well, seeing as he was busy, I did it again. He didn't glare at me this time but just changed the station back. Again, as mentioned, I was feeling rebellious and wanted to stir the pot, so I changed it again. This time, he grabbed my wrist as I reached to change the radio station for the third time. As he continued driving and maintaining a conversation on the phone, he now also restrained my wrist. Shortly after that, he ended his call and looked at me. "What is the rule about changing the radio?" he asked; not waiting for my response, he told me, "alright, I'm not going to let you go until you apologize for changing the radio."

I decided at that moment that was not going to happen, so I refused and sat there in silence, grinning in self-satisfaction at my rebellion. My uncle decided to encourage an apology from me. He began squeezing and twisting my wrist to encourage me to apologize. Well, as mentioned before, I wasn't nearly as clever or smart at sixteen as I thought. So we continued our silent battle for many miles. He turned up the pressure, making it rather painful for me to continue to refuse my apology. However, I had made up my mind that it wouldn't happen. Again, my only reason for doing this was for amusement in annoying him and not giving him the satisfaction of an apology. This went on for at least twenty minutes. He got another phone call while this was happening, but he did not let go; at this point, he was just as invested as I was in this silent battle of wills. We pulled into the McDonald's parking lot for lunch, and he finally let go of my wrist and remarked that I was the most stubborn person he'd ever met. I messaged my aching wrist, but grinned in victory! My uncle explained he didn't want to go through the drive-through while having to restrain me; he figured it might look bad or something. Years later, when this story came up in conversation, my uncle admitted to having been afraid that he would break my wrist, which could have happened, but thankfully didn't. If he had, it might have been good for me in the long term.

I share this silly story to highlight what a dumb kid I was and how stubborn I was and still am in many ways. This stubborn attitude is one I adopted from my Mother. She's a fighter and has always resolved never to give up. In so many ways, she has had the cards stacked against her in her life and marriage. But, she has never given up and has always stood back up and continued to fight when life kicked her down. She has inspired me in many ways to never give up no matter what happens throughout my life.

Resolve, determination, and the heart of a fighter are things I have taken into my life and have aspired to emulate from my Mom. Growing up, this fighter's heart was often needed, but I also developed a vice through this stubbornness. I began to see everything in my life through the lens of "I have to make it happen, I have to do this, it's all on me." I mentioned this in my last post on trust, but I want to continue leaning into the subject of trust as I wrestle against my inner man to trust in God.

I want to really lean into this idea as I feel like this is my battleground right now, and I hope that maybe by writing it out, I can find victory, and perhaps someone else can as well by reading this and reflecting on their own story. That is at least my hope and prayer! As I consider my stubbornness, I also think about how often God seems to make his move when I finally yield to Him. As I’ve been thinking through this and trying to really meditate on it, I found myself thinking about the story of Jesus and the boat overflowing with fish.

Luke 5: 4-6

When Jesus had finished speaking, He said to Simon, “Put out into deep water and let down your nets for a catch.”

5 “Master,” Simon replied, “we have worked hard all night without catching anything. But because You say so, I will let down the nets.” 6 When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to tear. 7 So they signaled to their partners in the other boat to come and help them, and they came and filled both boats so full that they began to sink.

I've read this story many times, but Peter's words just stuck out this time as I read through it. As I considered the situation, I tried to put myself in the shoes of Peter. If it had been me, I imagine I might have said, "Jesus, I tried all night to catch something and didn't catch a thing, and now you want me to try again? Jesus, I'm tired. What's the point?" At that moment, Peter is tired and exhausted; he spent all night fishing and didn't catch anything, and now he has been with Jesus all day as He preached. In that moment, Peter essentially tells Jesus, "Lord, we tried all night, but I trust You and will do as you command." This moment is a beautiful picture in my mind of a moment of surrender of will and giving up what logically makes sense because Jesus said so.

I have often stubbornly ignored God because, in my heart and mind, I find myself thinking, "that doesn't make sense." I often find that I will depend on my ability, yet in this story, we see that Peter had to do nothing more than obey and trust. Jesus did everything else. He provided everything they needed at that moment. Here's the thing: Jesus has promised the same for each of us. He has promised to provide for us—to give us all that we need—yet we fail to trust because we can't see the provision He is preparing. We fail to trust because we are stubborn and think we have to make things happen through and by our own effort. I love that in this story, Jesus seems to have waited until Peter has exhausted his abilities and strength. Then, when there is nothing Peter can do but obey and trust Jesus, Jesus asks Peter, "are you ready to trust me?" In that moment of surrender and trust, Jesus provides. I think God often waits until we have surrendered and have chosen to trust Him because we usually only recognize His provision in those moments because we know that our power didn't do it.

My challenge to you today is that you meditate and consider where it is that you have chosen to be stubborn. Where have you told God, "I got this," rather than leaning fully on him and trusting each step to him?

Psalm 119: 105 says this

Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path.

I love the visual of this verse that the word of God is our lamp. A lamp does not provide Light for the entire length of your path; it only lights up a few steps ahead of you. So, you follow where the path has been made clear, but beyond the Light, all we can do is trust that the Light will continue to show us where the path is. It does not show us where the path will ultimately lead us, only where the next step is. Only by allowing the Light to guide us can we find the way that has been laid out before us.

So, again, trust and obey, give up your stubborn heart and give up your "I can do this" mindset. Give up your stubbornness and trust that Jesus will make your path clear to you, even if it is only one step at a time. This is my challenge to you, and this is the challenge for myself today!