God, In The Midst of Heartbreak
Introduction
Man, another week, and sadly I am once again unable to share any thoughts on any podcasts or audiobooks, as I worked in the office all week and had no time to listen to anything. And so, as I did last week, I will share with you many of the thoughts I have been meditating on this week.
The Power of Heartbreak & A Good God
Many years ago, one of my Uncles told me that you aren’t a real man until your heart is truly broken at least once. I remember thinking then how silly an idea that was while also thinking I was in the clear cause I felt like I had been through heartbreak; I was very wrong.
It would be many years later that I would learn what heartbreak truly felt like as I went through a breakup and the ending of an engagement. It was one of the most challenging seasons of my life as I had invested nearly four years into this relationship, and after the breakup, I clung to it desperately to a hope that it would somehow work out, that somehow we would be together again. I fought and, in many ways, made a fool of myself in the process. But as I look back today to a relationship that never did work out, there are two things that I can say I did well as it all fell apart.
I made a promise that I would not allow this to break me and that I would become better rather than bitter, and that I would become a better man through it.
And the second and most important one, I clung desperately to the Lord. Because the only way I would achieve the first was by the second!
My counselor told me that heartbreak is one of the hardest things a person can go through in life, and I can attest to this fact. But despite the pain of that season, it was one of the greatest motivators of my life. It was during this season that I learned to depend on God in a way that I had never done before. I clung to Him desperately every day, and I prayed as I never had before. God became the foundation of my life, and I found every moment of every day was a mental war of laying every thought before Him and asking Him to work in this. I prayed for the restoration of that relationship, but more than that, I learned to say, “Thy will be done.”
It was the one thing that I wanted more than anything in my life. In that season, I wanted that relationship more than I wanted God because it was my god, and so it was doomed to fail. Looking back now, I can see what a fool I was then, and I try to see where I am being a fool today as I want to do my very best not to repeat the mistakes of my past. I want to learn from the things I’ve done wrong so that I can grow and become better each day in some way.
The promise I made that day that it would not break me was a promise that also became a huge motivator for me to take inventory of my life and see where I was failing to grow. To look and see where I had become complacent and lazy, and at that time of my life, it was a very long list. There were many things that I had learned to avoid because they were outside my comfort zone. But in this defeated low point of my life, a new fire and motivation captured me, and it was simply to become better.
It was during this time that I decided to finally begin going to the gym, to begin to learn and to take charge of my life. It was during this season that I realized I needed to find a new community of friends, and through a series of incredible events, God led me to Lubbock, where He has blessed me with some incredible friends and community. And within this new community, someone whom I shall leave unnamed challenged me once again to grow in an unexpected way.
I have long avoided taking my GED test because I was afraid. Having never gotten any type of formal education, I was always afraid of being seen as stupid, so I avoided it as I didn’t want to risk someone or some test affirming my stupidity. This unnamed person encouraged me, not overtly, and I think in some ways, even unintentionally, to pursue some form of higher learning. And so I did. Having avoided it and feeling wholely unprepared, I began to take steps to conquer this dragon, this giant, in my mind. I began to take classes and study and take small steps to overcome this giant I had created. I created self-appointed deadlines for myself and stubbornly digging in, constantly battling the inner voice that told me I wasn’t good enough.
I finished the first test, the second, the third, and then finally, after months of studying, the last. After months of studying, I was able to complete it. After months of studying for hours after work, it was finished! But I wasn’t finished. This venture into studying awakened a new passion. I wanted to learn more, and I wanted to continue to grow beyond this, so I began to dig and see what else I could learn. I wanted to see what I could dig into next. I don’t know how exactly (God), but I stumbled upon something I had never really heard about called “Data Analytics” It sounded cool, and from what I was reading online, it was/is a growing industry. So I decided to hunker down and begin to study.
Weeks passed, and as I studied, I became more engaged. I had found a new appetite, a new hunger to learn. I wanted to defeat this dragon of my mind that told me I was stupid, and I wanted to learn and begin to inform all parts of my life. I wanted to become someone who not only had opinions but had opinions that that been researched and informed through reading. I wanted to commit myself to never having an opinion about something I knew nothing about. And as someone with many opinions on MANY subjects, this meant I had and still have a LOT to learn!
Through these studies, I found new confidence to begin to look for other work as I had long felt unqualified to look somewhere else because everyone preaches that without a college education, you can’t get a job. While I wasn’t college educated, I knew a little more, and I had found a new mindset. I had found the confidence to look at a problem and say, “If I don’t know it, I can learn it.”And so, after having been with my employer for ten years, I began to look for new work, and by the leading of God alone, I was led to apply for a new company. And after a couple of weeks, I landed the job, a job that would allow me to utilize the skills of data analytics that I had been studying. Through this new job, I found excitement for going to work each day again, and with this new job, I have found new challenges that have pushed me to continue to educate myself and to continue to learn as much as I can in as many areas as possible.
This past week I was given an opportunity to face my fear of public speaking and was able to lead a presentation for my team. As I look back and reflect on the moments that led me to where I am today, the heartbreak and the disappointments, I am reminded of the Bible verse found in Romans 8.
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. Romans 8:28 - NLT
It has been four years now since I felt the heartbreak and rejection of an ended engagement, but I can genuinely look back with gratitude for that experience. It was by no means enjoyable, and I would wish it upon no one. But the journey that God has taken me on has been an adventure, and I don’t know what He has in store for me next, but I hope and pray for wisdom to wait and listen to His leading. I am deeply grateful to those who have challenged me and sometimes unintentionally motivated me to become better (though often, at that moment, those challenges are not pleasant or comfortable to hear).
I do not know what is next, but I know that God is at work in incredible ways, and I want to position myself as best as I can for whatever that may be. I have no idea what storms lie on the horizon (and I know there WILL be storms), but I want to do my best to learn now what I didn’t know in storms past so that I can better sail through them.
So to my reader, I want to encourage you to take inventory of your life and look back and reflect on where God has taken you and ponder the possibilities of where He may yet take you; if are willing to listen if you are willing to give up control moment by moment and trust that He knows better. And sometimes, the best we can do is surrender moment by moment. Fortunately, God is patient with us in this.
I hope you have all enjoyed yet another update from my life and an opportunity to peruse my mind. I pray that no matter in what season of life this finds you, that you will be encouraged.
